AUSTIN, TX—Following criticism for placing buoys and razor wire along the Rio Grande in a violation of international law, Texas Gov. Greg Abbott announced Monday that, going forward, he would order his state troopers to humanely stun migrants before drowning them. “In an effort to make their deaths at our hands as compassionate as possible, all undocumented individuals attempting to cross the southern border into Texas will be shocked senseless before being sent to a watery grave,” said Abbott, explaining that asylum seekers and migrant workers would be administered 3,000 milliamps of electricity before being forcibly submerged in the river until they died. “In the event they do not lose consciousness via electroshock, we also have a hammer that we can use to knock them out cold. This program also has the added benefit of sedating the migrants, which will make our job of killing them that much easier.” At press time, Texas state troopers had reportedly abandoned the plan after discovering that drowning the migrants was much less fun when they weren’t awake to scream.
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