REDMOND, WA—Noting that he already seemed to have such a knack with children and babies, local man Thomas Wellington was deemed a natural father Tuesday after he did not immediately strangle his newborn. “It’s amazing, right off the bat, he just knew how to be a dad,” said friend Layla Newton while fawning over the man, who notably had not wrapped his hands around his infant son’s neck and slowly constricted his windpipe, smothered his son’s face with a pillow, or immediately held his child’s head underwater until the life slowly drained from his eyes. “There’s just something about the way he held the baby, smiled, [and didn’t, within the first 30 seconds, push his fingers slowly into the soft part of his newborn’s skull]. I wish more guys were like that! He was so nurturing.” At press time, Newton had retracted her statement as, two minutes later, the new father picked up his newborn, slowly left the room, and then, with dead eyes, silently dropped it out the fourth-story window.
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