BOCA RATON, FL—Promising hours of relief from common period symptoms, Bayer-owned brand Midol introduced Wednesday its first over-the-counter leather strap for menstrual-pain sufferers to bite down on while experiencing cramps. “Midol’s new 100% genuine cowhide strap lets you grit your teeth through all the cramping, bloating, and muscle aches you endure each month,” said Bayer spokesperson Brenna Dover, who explained that the 3-foot length of leather should be wrapped tightly around the knuckles of each hand, pulled taut, and bitten down upon squarely with as much force as one’s jaw will allow. “When administered at the onset of abdominal and uterine pain, this product allows you to tough it out for four to six hours, at which point you will probably have chewed through the thing and need to switch it out for a new one. While it does not treat the cause of menstrual pain, Midol’s leather strap can help you to channel your agony into a sort of numb acceptance, as is the case with all of our products. It also muffles your strings of expletives and screams of ‘Kill me now, dear God,’ helping you remain discreet about the pain throughout your workday. Plus, it’s caffeine-free!” Dover added that the leather strap worked best when preceded by a giant swig from a bottle of Midol Reserve Single-Barrel Bourbon.
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