Report: Plenty Of Time To Jump Onto Train Tracks To Grab Quarter

CHICAGO—As the situation continued to unfold Wednesday, experts confirmed there was still plenty of time for someone to jump onto the train tracks to grab an unclaimed quarter. “Come on, the train light is barely visible yet,” said a source on the scene, peering down the tunnel and urging local bystander Ted Granger to “jump down there and claim that shiny quarter before someone else gets to it first.” “You seem agile. It will take you, what, like, a minute tops? The train’s barely moving. Just hop down, pick it up, and get back up here—that’s 10 or 12 seconds, probably. It’s not every day that 25 cents just falls out of the sky free for the taking. Unless you think you’re too out of shape? Or is it that you’re afraid of a little splat?” At press time, Granger had reportedly been convinced to also pick up a half-empty bag of Takis Fuego since the train was still a good 15 feet away.