KIRKLAND, WA — NCAA Women’s Soccer fell into controversy this week when, during a match, a transgender player was outed during a free kick.
The player who goes by Girlina McWumen is currently under investigation.
“Our suspicions first arose when the muscle-bound player took position to block the free kick and placed his — err — her hands in front of the — er — crotch area,” said an NCAA Special Soccer Investigator. “Years of training have taught us women don’t do that. Men do.”
The investigator said their evidence solidified after the free kick actually nailed McWumen in the crotch, causing the player to let out a shriek and crumple in pain.
“OW MY…umm…INNER THIGH! IT…umm…STINGS!” McWumen yelled while confused teammates just told her to walk it off.
“It all fell into place at that point,” said the investigator, “This player had testicles, a conclusion reinforced by the player’s beard and the tattoo that read, ‘Biff Loves Soccer.'”
At publishing time Girlina McWumen had been cleared of all suspicion and allowed to participate in college soccer after telling investigators he identified as a woman.
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