Study Finds Massive Uptick In Births 9 Months After International Carrot Day

BERKELEY, CA—Calling the correlation between the holiday and human fertility “quite shocking,” a new study published Thursday found a massive uptick in births nine months after International Carrot Day. “The data show that far more children than usual are conceived on or around Apr. 4, the day dedicated to this nutritious root vegetable,” said study author Elton Gates, a reproductive endocrinologist at the University of California, Berkeley, who noticed that worldwide birth rates increased dramatically in early January each year and hypothesized that it was the result of widespread sexual intercourse at carrot-themed celebrations. “Although we cannot say for certain, these thousands of additional babies were likely conceived at carrot parties and carrot harvest festivals by parents who observed the holiday by having uninhibited and indiscriminate sex with multiple partners. We could find no aphrodisiac qualities in the vitamin A or beta carotene provided by the carrots themselves, and so our best explanation is that many cultures around the world simply have a tradition of holding a 24-hour-long orgy every year on International Carrot Day.” Pressed for details, Gates told reporters that he had never attended a Carrot Day orgy, but hoped someone would read his study and consider inviting him to one next year.