VALDOSTA, GA—Explaining that even his deeply ingrained support for his country had its limits, zealous American patriot Gabriel Bartlett told reporters this week that he drew the line at women playing soccer. “I don’t care that they represent America—I’m not watching that shit,” said the financial advisor and diehard flag-waving nationalist, adding that his profound belief in the unimpeachable character of the United States and all its global exports extended to cheering on his country in the men’s World Cup, the World Series of Baseball, and even the Winter Olympics, but fell short of watching a bunch of girls kick a ball around. “I’m a patriot and I love my country, but I’ve got to put my foot down somewhere. My father was in the military, for crying out loud. Look, I watch mediocre U.S. golfers in international tournaments. I’ve done pay-per-view for Americans in boxing matches and UFC tournaments. I even watched the American curling team when that was on TV. But you can’t make me watch women’s soccer. I’d rather let immigrants in.” The zealous patriot told reporters that his deep-seated traditionalist beliefs in America couldn’t allow him to support anything more boring than war.
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