SALT LAKE CITY, UT — By all accounts a subpar Mormon, local man Bryce Smith was assigned to govern Pluto upon his sudden passing yesterday.
“I’m a little bummed, yeah. I was really hoping for something exciting like Kobol, Arrakis, or Tattooine,” Smith said as he surveyed the tiny, barren landscape. “But hey — a planet’s a planet, right?”
Despite being somewhat friendly and industrious, Mr. Smith’s life as a member of the LDS church was mediocre at best. “Bryce stopped at Life Scout, never made Eagle,” said his brother, Joshua. “He did a two-year mission, but it was to Salt Lake City. He did get married, but after age 25 — and he became a physician’s assistant instead of a real doctor. Bryce just never quite had it.”
While easily avoiding Mormon Hell, Mr. Smith’s actions on Earth only narrowly earned him the third level of celestial glory. “I guess we should have started trying for kids on our wedding night,” said Mr. Smith, walking another lap around the dwarf planet. “Come to think of it, our preparedness stash was pretty weak – would have only held out a few weeks. I never once bought anything from the LDS cannery. Oh, well. Pluto’s still ok, I guess.”
At publishing time, Mr. Smith was becoming a bit bored and starting to regret attending the University of Utah.
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Babylon Bee
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