‘Come On, Rudy, Give ’Em That Old 9/11 Razzle-Dazzle,’ Giuliani Tells Himself Before TV Appearance

NEW YORK—Closing his eyes and slapping himself across the face ahead of a television appearance Monday, Rudy Giuliani was overheard telling himself, “Come on, Rudy, give ’em that old 9/11 razzle-dazzle,” according to sources. “You’re going to go out there, and you’re going to hit them with the ol’ one-two Twin Towers razzmatazz,” the former New York mayor reportedly said as he shadowboxed in the green room of a cable news station. “You had the entire goddamn nation eating out of the palm of your hand that day, Mr. Mayor, and you still got it in ya, don’t you? They want the glitz and glamor of rubble and ash, and that’s exactly what you’re serving up, baby. Now look into that camera and let ’em have it like two skyscrapers just collapsed and 3,000 people are dead.” At press time, reports confirmed Giuliani was deflecting questions about overturning a presidential election with the same ease he once deflected questions about his years-long failure to provide New York firefighters with basic functioning radio equipment.