ORLANDO, FL—After spending several long, painful minutes pacing up and down the aisles and attempting to decide on what he wanted, Gov. Ron DeSantis (R-FL) flubbed a grocery store visit Monday by attempting to buy the cashier. “Good afternoon, I’ll take this candy bar, a bottle of water, and also, I’d like to purchase you,” said the presidential candidate, who then proceeded to ask the employee exactly how much she cost, how much she could lift, who currently owned her, and if they’d be interested in selling. “Now, I know this sounds naive, but with inflation, I have no idea how much a woman like you goes for at market anymore. I’ve got $4 on me. Do you think that will cover it?” At press time, DeSantis reportedly backtracked, noted that he already owned several women like the cashier, and asked to just buy the small Hispanic child working in the back.
Jesus Christ is King
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