EAU CLAIRE, WI—Saying that she didn’t appreciate always being the “cruel authoritarian” in her children’s eyes, local mother Daphne Stephens told reporters Tuesday that she was jealous her husband was always considered the fun alcoholic parent. “It’s not fair; I spend all day with the kids getting sloshed, but he gets to walk in shitfaced at the end of the day and be the hero,” said Stephens, adding that their two daughters never appreciated their mother’s drunken attempts at microwaving dinner, but loved it when their dad blacked out, took them to get fast food, and then did donuts in the parking lot. “Somehow, I get stuck doing the dirty work like yelling at them and throwing plates at the wall, but he gets to swoop in and make them laugh by falling asleep in a pool of his own urine. When I slur my words it’s a problem, but when he does, it’s hysterical. I can’t fucking win with those little shits.” Stephens added that she didn’t understand why when her husband got arrested for drunk driving, the children were sad, but when she spent the night in county jail, her daughters were ecstatic.
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