Study Finds Millions Go On Wastefully Living For Years After Passing On Genetic Material

NEW YORK—In what they described as an alarming new insight into the profligate life choices of Americans, researchers at Columbia University released a study Wednesday that found millions go on wastefully living for years after they pass on their genetic material. “Our analysis suggests that even though they have fulfilled their biological imperative, a significant percentage of U.S. residents continue to use up natural resources and consume valuable food supplies, keeping themselves needlessly alive for decades,” said lead researcher Samantha Esposito, explaining that many of those who had achieved the sole human objective of producing offspring continued their existence well into their 30s, 40s, and beyond. “It’s unclear why anyone would want to go living a life that, by definition, no longer serves any purpose. They have succeeded in perpetuating their DNA, they are of no further use to anyone, and yet—bafflingly—they refuse to die. Frankly, it’s selfish.” Despite its pessimistic view of human behavior, the study did hail the more than 250,000 inhabitants of the globe who die in childbirth each year after completing their solitary function as women.