WINDSOR, ON—After formally announcing that he was separating from his wife Sophie Gregoire Trudeau after 18 years of marriage, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau reportedly showed up at the U.S. border Thursday with a duffel bag. “Hey, so, things have been a little rough at home, so could I stay a few nights in your country until I can figure things out?” said a dejected-looking Trudeau, who added that he was really sorry to do this to the United States and its 335 million residents on such short notice, but he didn’t know where else to go. “Seriously, man, you are a lifesaver. Mexico didn’t pick up, and you know how the U.K. always takes her side. Anyways, I promise I’ll be quiet and mostly just keep to myself and crash in North Dakota. Unless you want to hang out or something? Just like old times!” At press time, Justin Trudeau was asked to leave after he kept getting drunk and crying so loudly that he scared the nation’s 73 million children.
Jesus Christ is King
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