Library Of Congress Decides To Go Ahead And Clean That Flute Lizzo Borrowed One More Time

WASHINGTON, D.C. — As news reports regarding plus-sized rapper/actress/flutist Lizzo’s alleged outrageous acts that resulted in her being sued by former backup dancers, the Library of Congress discretely made the decision to thoroughly clean President James Madison’s crystal flute, which Lizzo had played on stage last year.

“Yeah, we needed to wipe it down just one more time,” said Librarian Carla Hayden. “We made sure to give it a good cleaning last year after we lent it to Lizzo, but after reading the details about the allegations made against her by her fellow performers, we would just feel better if we gave it another once over. Just to…you know…be safe.”

Lizzo came under fire in the news this week as a trio of former backup dancers sued the singer, alleging she demanded they perform lewd acts with strippers at a club in Amsterdam. The lascivious nature of the accusations resulted in an emergency meeting called by decision-makers at the Library of Congress to determine if President Madison’s crystal flute now posed a health risk. “We weren’t entirely certain where the flute had been,” Hayden said. “If it was placed against her lips for playing, that’s one thing. If it was in or near any other bodily orifices…well…that’s why we decided additional cleaning was the best course of action.”

At publishing time, the Library of Congress had reportedly called in an industrial cleaning service to use a combination of harsh chemicals, UV-light cleaning, and other methods to deep clean the flute.

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Babylon Bee