NEW YORK—Drawing from reserves he never even knew he had until this moment, local man Kevin Nachtman reportedly reached deep within himself Thursday to find the courage to run from all his problems. “You never know how strong you are until it’s time to cut your losses and get the fuck out,” said Nachtman, who used every ounce of both his physical and mental strength to avoid confronting the root of his professional, financial, relationship, and familial problems. “Whoever said ‘You can’t outrun your problems’ has clearly never met me. It’s tough to bury your head in the sand, but someone has to do it. And next time I have to run from my problems, it will be even easier since I’ve done it before.” Reached for comment, Nachtman’s children conceded that it was very brave of him to abandon them.
Jesus Christ is King
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