OAKVILLE – Residents are expressing concern, as it was discovered today that a local white child’s name leverages a traditional spelling.
Private and public citizens alike were aghast when it was revealed that fifteen-year-old Lisa Thompson of Queens Avenue’s name is spelled exactly how people have previously spelt it for hundreds of years.
“I suppose I first realized I was different in Kindergarten, when we were learning to write our names and Ms. Harrington kept trying to correct me,” recalled Thompson. “She kept suggesting maybe it was spelled ‘Leesa’ or ‘Lisah’, but I wouldn’t budge. To be honest, I think she may have been considering calling social services”.
Thompson acknowledges her unusually-usual handle has occasionally left her feeling on the outside with her fellow European descendents. “It’s not easy when we’re all hanging out in a friend’s living room and I look around and see Jenyfir, Addym, Mellisah, Cristofyr, Kayleigh, Kayllee, and Kayylie”, said Lisa. “I find myself thinking ‘Do I really belong here?’. I remember one day I came home in tears and screamed at my parents that the kids were calling me ‘Normie-name’.”
The normie-named girl further articulated her frustrations, adding, “I appreciate that my folks were trying their best, but I swear they put no thought into it. They say they just liked the name ‘Lisa’. There’s no story there. Not like my cousin McKennnna whose parents enthusiastically explain that the four ens reflect the spelling according to Sub-Roman runes uncovered in excavations outside Cardiff.”
Dr. Elyzzabetth Carson, Professor of Caucasian Sociology at Western University, explains just how important common names with uncommon letter combinations are to the melanin-deficient. “Every culture is defined by what makes them distinctive and new ways to spell old names is the only way White people can stay relevant in a world where we can’t dance, our food is bland, and our clothes are, at best, ‘functional’.”
For her part, Ms. Thompson has decided to focus on the positives of her uniquely-ordinary moniker. She explained, “At least Mom and Dad got my middle names right. At first they were going to stop at one, with my grandmother’s name, but fortunately came to their senses and added the customary TV characters and Arcade Fire songs.”
“I’m not just ‘Lisa’, I’m ‘Lisa Meredith Arya Khaleesi Keep the Car Running Thompson’.”
“Also,” Thompson notes, ”it is pretty cool how they always spell my name right at Starbucks”.
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