Americans Explain Whether Joe Biden Should Pardon His Son

“Hold on, Fox News told me he already did.”

“The Joe Biden I voted for wouldn’t let a nonviolent drug user off that easy.”

“It wasn’t a great sex tape, but I don’t think he should be jailed for it.”

“Only if he gets some quality drugs in return.”

“Wouldn’t that incentivize more criminals to become Joe Biden’s child?”

“Either way, this is all I’m going to talk about for the next two years.”

“It would be political suicide to align himself with a Biden.”

“Never. Some say that America’s for-profit carceral state is one of the wonders of the modern age. Who is Joe Biden to remove a prisoner from our asset sheet?”

“All he owes his son is a firm handshake when he turns 18. Anything more than that is coddling.”

“No, a father who truly loved his son would throw him under the bus, blame all his failures on him, and accidentally call him ‘Eric’ as a way of toughening him up.”

“What is the point of having a kid if you don’t shower them with special executive branch treatment?”

“Only if he sends Hunter to live out the rest of his days on the pardoned turkey farm afterwards.”

“I just really want an opportunity to start saying Burisma again. It’s such a fun word to say. Burisma. Burisma. Burisma.”

“This is going to make all the other prisoners’ dads look like real pieces-of-shit.”

“No one cares what I say.”

“It’s open season, motherfuckers.”

Whatever happens, rest assured that Hunter has a job here when this is all over.