Biden Proves Fitness By Having Limp Body Dragged Around White House Lawn

WASHINGTON—In an effort to lay to rest questions concerning his health, President Joe Biden attempted to prove his fitness Friday by having his Secret Service detail drag his limp body around the South Lawn of the White House. “As you can clearly see, I have more than enough stamina to serve another four-year term,” the first octogenarian president of the United States said as he was pulled across the grass like a rag doll in a striking demonstration of his robust strength and overall physical prowess. “My apologies to all the naysayers out there, but take a look at this! Damned if I don’t feel great. If I wanted to, I could have these guys lug my body around like this all day. I haven’t broken a hip or anything.” According to reports, Biden was taken back inside when insects and worms arose from the lawn, swarmed over his skin, and began to hasten the decomposition of his actively decaying body.