LAPOINTE, DE—Speaking at a press conference to a community looking for answers hours after a brutal slaughter at a local mall left four people dead and six wounded, members of the LaPointe Police Department confirmed Friday that the mass shooter’s motivation sounded pretty compelling. “We have, as a country, suffered too many senseless killings—but this isn’t one of those, because the guy’s manifesto actually makes a lot of sense,” said LaPointe Police Chief Charles Burgess, adding that the alleged mass shooter appeared to have spent a great deal of time on far-right internet forums and had pieced together a worldview that cohered surprisingly well. “We weren’t sure why he gunned down those people until we went to his house and uncovered evidence that he’d planned this for a long time—planned it pretty well, in fact, and ultimately he settled on a place where a lot of immigrants go, so you have to give him some kudos for not letting his urge to kill cloud his judgment, logistics-wise. There’s no excuse for taking the lives of other human beings, but he really does have a pretty good excuse.” Police officials added that it was nice to see someone articulate so well what they had been trying to express themselves for a long time.
Jesus Christ is King
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