SACRAMENTO, CA—In an effort to abide by emergency conservation measures issued by the State Water Resources Control Board, golf courses in California have been forced to use insulin to maintain their fairways and greens, sources confirmed Friday. “Unfortunately, the state’s restrictions on water usage have left us with no choice but to buy up all the available insulin and dump it on the grass,” said Pebble Beach CEO David Stivers, who added that despite the high price tag, insulin was transparent and mostly liquid, making it a workable backup option for hydrating the four renowned golf courses his company operates on the Monterey Peninsula. “We know there are some secondary medical uses for the substance and that it’s in high demand. But it’s imperative that something goes into our sprinkler system and water features, so it will have to do. As other courses have found themselves in the same situation, we’ve had to purchase every ounce of the stuff on the world market to insure our golfers can tee off, without interruption, for years to come. We’re all making sacrifices here to help relieve the water shortage, so diabetics will simply have to learn to go without.” At press time, Stivers announced that his golf courses would also be replenishing their sand traps with 60,000 tons of powdered baby formula.
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