WORLD — A newly released report has revealed that people are following their hearts at record levels, with remarkably disastrous results.
“People are just being true to themselves! Why is everything so terrible?” said lead researcher Tim Scottsdale. “It’s almost like there is some innate depravity in the heart of man. It’s very surprising.”
Researchers had hypothesized that more people following their hearts would naturally lead to Utopia breaking out. “We believed that all people were fundamentally good, and the problem was simply bad societies that prevented people from expressing their true selves,” said Dr. Scottsdale. “Unfortunately, our thesis that the heart of man is intrinsically good, well it proved to be…really, really false. Like, it’s the most wrong anyone’s ever been about anything. It seems that unlike in movies, following your own heart directly leads to pain and brokenness, otherwise known as sin. Lots and lots of sin.”
According to sources, researchers realized they hit a snag when they were explaining to a violent, antisemitic psychopath that he should simply follow his heart. “That’s when it dawned on us that there was this awfully similar famous guy that followed his own heart, and his name was Hitler,” said research assistant Kelly Lorn. “In fact, Hitler was one of the most committed people of all time to following his own heart. We realized we may have made a slight miscalculation.”
At publishing time, researchers stated that their latest results now seem to indicate that no one is good, not even one. Further, they recommended purposefully not following one’s heart, as the heart is deceitful above all things and desperately wicked.
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