COLUMBUS, OH—According to a new study published in the Journal Of Itty-Bitty Little Paws, single aunt researchers confirmed Monday that 100% of cats are angels on earth. “I’m not even religious, but I can report with 100% certainty they are blessings from God, every single one of them,” said lead researcher Amanda Drake, 43, who noted that the findings were the result of an ongoing two-decade study launched with the adoption of her first foster kitten Oreo in the early aughts. “These findings fly in the face of a previous study that found these creatures were snuggly-wuggly little babies. Orange cats, gray cats, tuxedos, torties—each one is more heavenly than the next. A statistical analysis also revealed that 100% of these four-footed cherubs are loved by mommy oh so much.” At press time, a follow-up study had found that 100% of the men in Drake’s town were the devil incarnate.
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