Brown-Nosing Coworker Never Shows Up Drunk To Meetings

COLUMBUS, OH—Slurring their words while issuing a barrage of loud complaints, coworkers of local brown-nosing employee Kathleen Morris told reporters Wednesday that she never showed up drunk to meetings. “That absolute kiss-ass has never once arrived halfway through a meeting completely hammered,” said visibly drunk coworker Ron Kerr, insisting that the only reason Morris got promoted over him was because she never vomited on the board room table after a rough night of hardcore partying. “It’s like, you’re not better than fucking everyone else who works here just because you never come to an all-hands meetings without pants or underwear on because you drunkenly shit yourself on your morning commute and had to throw the soiled clothes away in a bus stop trash can. La-ti-da.” At press time, a high-strung Morris was reportedly coked out of her mind.