CHICAGO—Noting there’s no price to admission, local stepdad Dale Tatum claimed Wednesday that watching raccoons fight by the dumpster was better than any zoo. “Look at those little furry shits go at it! Won’t get that at a damn zoo,” said Tatum, chugging beer while explaining that he couldn’t get as good of a buzz at a zoo either. “Ha, they’re mating! These animals are fucking crazy. Plus, those strict zoo bastards will get on your ass for chucking food or shooting bottle rockets at the animals, even the super shitty ones. Go over there and pet one. We’ve got our own personal petting zoo.” At press time, Tatum was cooking up the raccoons for a better and cheaper dinner than they could get at the zoo cafe.
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