SCOTTS VALLEY, CA—Relying on his training in the heat of the moment, local police officer Victor Gerard reportedly played dead Thursday to get out of confronting an active school shooter. “You all go ahead—I’m dying,” Gerard said when he was selected to be part of a small team of armed cops that would enter the building to stop the massacre. He was then seen diving to the grass, sticking out his tongue, and trying to remain as still as possible in an apparent attempt to ensure his survival. “Still dying over here. I’ll be gone in a couple seconds. At least I almost made it into the building, right? I wish I could go in there and stop the slaughter, but I’ve met my end. Guess I’ll die a hero.” At press time, sources confirmed Gerard was still on the ground and had begun freaking out after his hand cramped up from playing Candy Crush on his phone.
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