Softer Bob Iger Now Says He Hopes Striking Creatives Die Painlessly

BURBANK, CA—Moderating from his earlier position, a softer Bob Iger told reporters Thursday that he now hopes striking creatives die painlessly. “After a lot of soul searching, I’ve come around to idea that striking writers and actors shouldn’t be in agony when they finally succumb to death,” said the Disney CEO, speaking on behalf of the Alliance of Motion Picture and Television Producers when admitting that he was willing to come to the negotiating table at any time to find ways to murder striking workers with as little discomfort as possible. “It is not our intention to have the people who create our content starve—that would be far too prolonged and painful. A simple shot to the back of the head would be much more preferable. If we want this strike to achieve a productive conclusion in a timely fashion, these people have to die quickly.” At press time, Iger was running over protesting creatives with his car as a show of good faith.