Trump Indicted For Hawaii Wildfire

HONOLULU, HI — In a swift response to the devastating wildfire spreading across the island of Maui, the Department of Justice has announced former President Donald Trump has now been indicted for the deadly blaze.

“It’s time for Mr. Trump to be held accountable,” said Hawaii Attorney General Anne Lopez, who worked closely with the DOJ on the indictment. “This fire is ravaging our beautiful state, destroying homes and taking the lives of innocent Hawaiians. We had no choice but to bring charges against Donald Trump.”

This latest indictment against Trump joins a growing slate of charges the former president is facing from different states across the country. Though no evidence of Trump’s involvement in the wildfire has been presented, officials scoffed at the suggestion the indictment was politically motivated. “This has nothing to do with politics,” a DOJ spokesperson said under the condition of anonymity. “This is about trying to do absolutely anything we can to keep Trump from making it to the election next November. Which I guess, is political motivation. But it’s not politically motivated. Totally not. For real.”

As news of the indictment broke, Trump was quick to lash out. “YET ANOTHER ATTEMPT BY THE RADICAL LEFT TO TAKE ME OUT,” he said in a post to his Truth Social account. “I WOULD NEVER SET HAWAII ON FIRE. MAYBE OTHER STATES, LIKE OREGON, BUT NOT HAWAII. I HAVE A HOTEL IN WAIKIKI. THE MOST BEAUTIFUL HOTEL IN HAWAII. MANY PEOPLE HAVE SAID SO. THIS IS ALL A PLOT TO KEEP ME FROM BEING ELECTED FOR A THIRD TIME. SAD!”

At publishing time, Trump was reportedly hoping he would be required to travel to Hawaii to face the indictment in person in order to work on his tan.

Is your wife being hysterical again? Do you need a sandwich ASAP, but the Mrs. is unreasonably upset? Watch this video for all the best techniques for calming her down.

Subscribe to our YouTube channel for more tactical instruction
Babylon Bee

Jesus Christ is King