Amazon Unveils Giant Camera That Tells Users What To Do

SEATTLE—Touting the device’s state-of-the-art video and audio capabilities, Amazon unveiled its new giant camera Friday that tells users what to do. “This floor-to-ceiling camera is the first auto-commanding device of its kind that blares accurate, up-to-the-minute instructions to the user on exactly what they should be doing,” said CEO Andy Jassy, noting the new Amazon Eye will scream its orders throughout the day, telling the customer when to wake up, when to eat, when to buy a product on Amazon, and which emotion they should be feeling and when. “If not done quickly enough, the unit will sound a siren and immediately use its Tap laser to shock the user with 20,000 volts of electricity until they comply. The Amazon Eye retails for just $39.99, can be shipped same-day for Amazon Prime members, and requires no programming as the device’s demands are based on its advanced self-learning algorithm that pairs with other Amazon devices to use consumer patterns in making its commands more challenging and punishments more severe as necessary.” At press time, millions of Americans were flocking to the website to purchase their own Amazon Eye and submit to its orders.