ATLANTA, GA — As part of its new agreement with the drivers union, global shipping giant UPS has announced the company will be paying its drivers $170k per year as well as introducing an updated version of its driver uniform that features a top hat and monocle.
“It’s really a natural fit with the new pay scale,” said UPS Chiefs Executive Officer Carol Tomé. “Sticking with the same old brown shirt-brown shorts uniform didn’t seem appropriate, given the fact that our drivers will now be among the well-to-do of upper-class society.”
The company reached an agreement with the Teamsters union to avoid a potential strike, resulting in a substantial increase in salary for full-time drivers. “I’m thinking about building one of those giant vaults full of coins I can dive into like Scrooge McDuck,” said UPS driver Ryan Kitchen. “I never thought I’d have an opportunity to ever purchase a professional sports team, but that may actually be an option under this new deal.”
In addition to better pay and the updated uniform to display higher social status, Tomé said other changes would soon be on the way. “We’ll be offering chilled champagne instead of water coolers at our distribution hubs,” she said. “Each UPS truck will also have a full-time shoe-shiner sitting in the back to make sure our drivers’ shoes remain spotlessly clean during the workday.”
At publishing time, many full-time drivers were reportedly considering hiring professional chauffeurs to drive them around in their trucks while they enjoy eating caviar and Grey Poupon mustard on their daily delivery routes.
Is your wife being hysterical again? Do you need a sandwich ASAP, but the Mrs. is unreasonably upset? Watch this video for all the best techniques for calming her down.
Subscribe to our YouTube channel for more tactical instruction
Babylon Bee
Comments are closed.