New Florida School Curriculum Requires Students To Keep Eyes Shut Tight All Day Until Safe At Home

TALLAHASSEE—Calling the move “critical” for the wellbeing of the state’s children, Florida unveiled a new school curriculum Monday that would require students to keep their eyes shut all day until they were safe at home. “Starting today, all 2.8 million students in Florida will be required to keep their eyes closed for the entirety of the school day to protect them from groomers, the woke mind virus, and critical race theory,” said Florida’s education chief Manny Diaz Jr., adding that students must cover their eyes and ears as well as their mouths when they first enter schools doors until they are led out by their teachers to the parking lot and picked up by their parents. “Starting at 8 a.m., all Florida students will be led into a dark room, be blindfolded, be given a pair of noise-cancelling headphones, and have a sock stuffed in their mouths while all classes, including English, math, science, and history, are taught. And if they do not, teachers will be ordered to promptly gouge their students’ eyes out. No exceptions.” At press time, Diaz added that all teachers would soon be required to have their lips sewn shut and be chemically castrated before they could legally interact with students.