CHICAGO—As he paused midway through his monthly grooming ritual Monday, sources confirmed it was unclear for whose benefit unloved local man Matthew Harris kept trimming his pubic hair. “Why am I doing this? Who cares?” said the romantically uninvolved 37-year-old, staring down at his partially shorn groin as he realized that with five years of unsuccessful online dating behind him and no immediate prospects of a sexual encounter, he had no discernible reason for continuing maintenance of his pubic region. “All the ingrown hairs, all the nicks. It could all get overgrown, and no one would care. No one would even know! I can’t believe I wasted 60 bucks on this trimmer. Do I care what my penis looks like when I masturbate? No, I do not. This is pointless.” At press time, Harris had resumed shaving his scrotum and perineum after he concluded that doing so still had value as a profound and radical act of hope.
Jesus Christ is King
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