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Everything Trump Did In Georgia To Try To Overturn The 2020 Election

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Despite audits finding no evidence of fraud in the 2020 election, Donald Trump allegedly pressured Georgia officials to meddle with ballots and spread conspiracy theories about the election’s validity. The Onion examines everything Trump did in Georgia to try to overturn the 2020 election.

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Clearly, Not Enough

Clearly, Not Enough

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What a fucking pathetic excuse for an autocrat.

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Let America’s Already Existing Voting Restrictions Do Their Thing

Let America’s Already Existing Voting Restrictions Do Their Thing

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While he’s not strictly responsible for the racist and classist bipartisan effort to curb democracy, he did a pretty thorough job coasting on it.

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Called 911

Called 911

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He was forced to seek alternative measures due to long response times from police.

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Tried To Order 12,000 Votes At McDonald’s

Tried To Order 12,000 Votes At McDonald’s

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Sadly, the fast-food chain was only able to provide him with around 200.

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Poured A Jar Of De-Voting Fluid Into A Ballot Box

Poured A Jar Of De-Voting Fluid Into A Ballot Box

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The de-voting fluid may have caused as many as 30 pen-filled bubble votes to evaporate.

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Tried To Marry The Governor

Tried To Marry The Governor

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Trump was apparently misled t0 believe that marrying the governor means you automatically win the state.

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Closed His Eyes Really Tight And Thought

Closed His Eyes Really Tight And Thought

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“I Am President, I Am President, I Am President.”

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Accused The Georgia DA Of Having An Affair With Mohamed Atta And Abd Al-Aziz Al-Umari

Accused The Georgia DA Of Having An Affair With Mohamed Atta And Abd Al-Aziz Al-Umari

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Although both architects of the 9/11 attacks were confirmed dead decades ago, that didn’t stop Trump from trying to damage Atlanta DA Fani Willis’ reputation.

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Tried To Teach A Monkey To Steal Ballots

Tried To Teach A Monkey To Steal Ballots

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Reaching a point of desperation, Trump decided to make an ill-advised purchase of a macaque from Malaysia and tried for days to instruct the monkey on how to identify which ballots were votes for Biden so he could steal them.

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Leaked Nudes Of A Dominion Voting Machine

Leaked Nudes Of A Dominion Voting Machine

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Although the compromising photos of the voting machine were later discredited, the damage had already been done.

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Pledged To Reveal The Real Identity Of George Washington

Pledged To Reveal The Real Identity Of George Washington

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Trump vowed that if Georgia pulled through for him, he would declassify all the secret government files about the shadowy figure we know as “George Washington.”

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Knocked On The Doors Of 11,780 Georgia Democrats To Convince Them To Change Their Votes

Knocked On The Doors Of 11,780 Georgia Democrats To Convince Them To Change Their Votes

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His efforts were appreciated, but they had already cast their ballots.

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Ate More Than 78,000 Ballots

Ate More Than 78,000 Ballots

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Luckily, they were pro–Grover Cleveland ballots from the election of 1884.

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Called Tyler Perry

Called Tyler Perry

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Trump repeatedly pressured the media mogul to “find more votes” despite Perry repeatedly explaining that the BET series The Oval is pure fiction.

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Skipped Lunch

Skipped Lunch

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Shows how serious he was about staying president.

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Told Eric And Don Jr. That If He Lost It Would Be Because They Masturbated

Told Eric And Don Jr. That If He Lost It Would Be Because They Masturbated

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Even though Trump didn’t necessarily truly believe this would have any bearing on the election results, he hedged his bets by explaining to his sons that committing a sin of the flesh would take away votes from their father.

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Blew Real Hard At A Stack Of Votes

Blew Real Hard At A Stack Of Votes

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Even though he passed out before they blew off the table, his intention was the same.

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Tried To Seduce A Voting Machine

Tried To Seduce A Voting Machine

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After hearing about what complete sluts Dominion voting machines are, Trump figured he could set up a little quid pro quo arrangement to secure his win.

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Offered To Let Georgia Poll Workers Look At A Signed Picture Of Himself From A Distance

Offered To Let Georgia Poll Workers Look At A Signed Picture Of Himself From A Distance

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He was really laying on the potential bribes thick.

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At The End Of The Day, Just Was Himself

At The End Of The Day, Just Was Himself

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After everything he did to undermine the democratic process, Trump realized that he didn’t truly have to do anything, and that just being the immoral, spiteful demagogue he was would always be enough to erode fairness within the U.S.

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Tried To Break Into Drake’s House

Tried To Break Into Drake’s House

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It’s unclear how this would have helped his quest for the U.S. presidency, but he was arrested for trespassing on the property several times nonetheless.

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Crawled Inside Georgia Secretary Of State Brad Raffensperger’s Pants And Lived There For 3 Days And 4 Nights

Crawled Inside Georgia Secretary Of State Brad Raffensperger’s Pants And Lived There For 3 Days And 4 Nights

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Prohibited under Chapter 183-1 of the Georgia Election Code.

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Went Vintage Shopping In Savannah’s Starland District

Went Vintage Shopping In Savannah’s Starland District

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He didn’t find anything that would have helped him overturn the election, but had a lot of fun just looking around regardless.

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Legally Changed His Name To Joseph Robinette Biden Jr.

Legally Changed His Name To Joseph Robinette Biden Jr.

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Trump claimed the only real Biden on the ballot was him.

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Left A 1-Star Google Review For The Secretary Of State’s Office

Left A 1-Star Google Review For The Secretary Of State’s Office

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Used Telekinesis To Summon More Votes

Used Telekinesis To Summon More Votes

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Unfortunately, Trump is still coming into his powers and lacks the mental strength necessary to move thousands of ballots with his mind.

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Eating Poll Workers Whole And Spitting Out Their Bones

Eating Poll Workers Whole And Spitting Out Their Bones

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While almost certainly illegal, feasting on volunteers likely only had localized effects.

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Called The Guys Who Overturned The 2000 Election For Bush

Called The Guys Who Overturned The 2000 Election For Bush

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Trump was smart to reach out to the shadowy GOP operatives who successfully stopped the count in Florida, but he may not have been persistent enough.

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Put On A Wig And Cast A Vote As Kelly Loeffler

Put On A Wig And Cast A Vote As Kelly Loeffler

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Although the then-senator would have still voted for him, Trump reportedly wanted to make extra sure the vote was received.

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Tried To Distract The Authorities By Claiming He Kidnapped The Lindbergh Baby

Tried To Distract The Authorities By Claiming He Kidnapped The Lindbergh Baby

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Trump reportedly created a diversion for Rudy Giuliani to copy confidential data from voting machines by walking into a police office in downtown Atlanta and confessing to kidnapping Charles Lindbergh in 1932.

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Briefly Wore A Yarmulke

Briefly Wore A Yarmulke

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This was mostly to make fun of Jared Kushner, but the authorities decided to include it in the Georgia indictment as a hate crime.

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Gave A Handjob To Every Man In Georgia

Gave A Handjob To Every Man In Georgia

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Donald Trump personally jerked off all 5 million adult male residents of the state of Georgia and was disappointed to discover that it did not immediately secure their votes.

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You’ve Made It This Far …

You’ve Made It This Far …

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