Updated U.S. Flag Code States That American Flag Has Power To Grant Wishes

WASHINGTON—In an increasingly rare bipartisan act, the U.S. Flag Code was reportedly updated Tuesday to state that the American flag has the power to grant wishes. “The American flag is more than a symbol of our freedom—it’s an omnipotent entity that can make your wildest dreams come true,” said Rep. Jim Jordan (R-OH), who coauthored the bill that passed both chambers of Congress unanimously and was signed into law by President Joe Biden, noting that all one had to do to make a wish on the flag was to put one hand over their heart, remove their hat, and cast their gaze upwards at its magnificent stars and stripes while reciting the magic words. “At a time when respect for the American flag is at an all time low, we wanted to codify its extraordinary supernatural abilities. Use caution, of course, for each American flag only has 50 wishes, and once the last of the 50 stars has disappeared, well. Your wishes are gone.” At press time, the White House had issued a statement asking Americans to stop wishing for slavery to come back.