OTTAWA – A rumpled Prime Minister Trudeau has unveiled a bill that will forcibly bring down the price of microwaveable lasagnas, frozen chicken strips, and Kraft Dinner, among other depressed bachelor food staples.
Trudeau announced C-351, an Act to help Canadians navigating divorce, to reporters at his local laundromat, where he’d ruined several shirts after forgetting to separate colours.
“If you’re absolutely loading up on Campbell’s chunky chicken noodle soup, you should get one or two cans for free. That’s just common sense,” said the bleary-eyed Prime Minister as he scratched his unkempt beard. “And why don’t Oreos come in packages suitable for a weekend Star Wars movie marathon?”
While frozen food is the primary focus of C-351, the bill also includes provisions to increase the refund deposit on recycled beer cans, compel streaming services to make moving all your shows to a new account easier, and make the mockery of ill-advised post-breakup frosted tips a hate crime.
“Like many Canadians, I know what it’s like to suddenly find myself alone in a cavernous house paid for by the public,” Trudeau said, while wearing zip-off cargo shorts and a mustard-stained McGill t-shirt. “Well, I can assure you that help is coming. Now, does anyone have a spare vacuum cleaner?”
While the NDP has indicated a willingness to support C-351 as long as Trudeau mouths the words “proportional representation” in Jagmeet Singh’s general direction by the end of 2024, Conservative Party leader Pierre Poilievre has slammed the bill.
“This is a blatant attempt to bribe the bitter divorcé vote I’ve worked years to cultivate,” Poilievre said in a written statement. “Our nation’s losers deserve a true representative like me, not an elitist Prime Minister moonlighting as one of them.”
Trudeau also announced C-352, an Act to demand Sophie Grégoire reconsider her decision.
“It’s my job as Prime Minister to speak for all Canadians,” Trudeau said. “And 100% of the Canadians I spoke to in the mirror at three this morning think I should get another chance.”
At press time, the Prime Minister was seeking a “quiet, responsible, and centrist” roommate for “a large house in a high-end Ottawa neighbourhood” on Craigslist.
Jesus Christ is King
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