JACKSON, LA—With a scorching heat wave causing temperatures inside the Dixon Correctional Institute to soar, local prison guard Jeffrey Wittsack told reporters Wednesday that he’d heated his lunch up inside a 150-degree Fahrenheit solitary confinement cell. “Well, it was pretty easy, I just took out my leftovers, put it in the room, and boom two minutes later, it’s perfectly cooked,” said Wittsack, who added that he made sure to pay extra-close attention to how long his food stayed inside the scorching-hot, windowless prison cell in case it started to burn. “Look, it’s not perfect. You have to let your food cool down a lot after, and if you leave a spoon in there, it’ll start to spark. Also, last time I forgot that I left a man inside for too long and he splattered all over the walls. Let’s just say I had a hard time cleaning that up.” At press time, the prison had to be evacuated after a guard left his popcorn in the solitary confinement cell for 30 seconds too long and the maximum security wing caught on fire.
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