KNOXVILLE, TN—Using his vomit to carefully connect the dots, local hungover man Dennis Moen reportedly pieced together his previous night on Thursday by what he was throwing up. “Okay, so I must have stopped at a hot dog stand at some point, if you take into consideration all the wiener chunks I just puked,” said Moen, determining in between retching that it must have been after the cocktail bar, taking into account the bitterly fruity-tasting red liquid that came up after. “Hmm…looks like some sesame seeds, wet lumps of bun, and about a half pound of roast beef. Wait, Arby’s is almost 5 miles away from me. Did I drive there? Also, I don’t know when, but I must have drank a whole lot of bile.” At press time, Moen was panicking about what else he had done the night before after throwing up a used condom.
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