Lone Survivor Wandering Through Radiated Wasteland Regrets Not Meeting Q3 Benchmark

JACKSON, MI—Desperately scouring the post-apocalyptic landscape for his next meal, a lone survivor wandering Friday through a radiated wasteland in the year 2142 reportedly regretted not meeting his Q3 benchmark. “This is what I get for not taking click-through rates and SEO seriously,” said 37-year-old Donald Moore, making his way through the desolate badlands as he routinely looked over his shoulder to ensure he wasn’t being stalked by any of the mutant hordes. “If only we had met our quarterly sales goal, the Great War wouldn’t have broken out and I wouldn’t be carrying this sawed-off shotgun through the wilderness. Our boss was always telling us how important site traffic was, and I never took it seriously, and look where society is now. That’s what happens when you don’t take initiative to create more branded partnerships: You end up betraying the only other survivor you met by stealing his truck, which just gets blown up by raiders anyway.” At press time, Moore had miraculously found a fortified safe haven community that protected themselves from the mutants by embracing vertical integration.