Putin Vows Retaliation Should Ukraine Become Member Of Big Ten

MOSCOW—Warning that President Volodymyr Zelensky should think carefully about the repercussions of changing his country’s college football conference alignment, Russian president Vladimir Putin reportedly vowed retaliation Friday should Ukraine ever become a member of the Big Ten. “There is absolutely no reason why Ukraine needs to join the Big Ten outside of provoking Russia, and any move to apply for membership will be met with the harshest consequences,” said Putin, pointing to Ukraine’s position in the neutral firewall of countries that have long served as a geographical buffer between Russia and Big Ten members like Indiana University and Rutgers. “Any move to even increase the number of games between Ukraine and Big Ten schools will be considered an act of aggression against the Russian state and will be met with proportionate force. These universities have been stoking hostility against Russia for decades, and we caution Ukraine not to indulge their thirst for power. Frankly, this is for Zelensky’s own good. We know why the University of Michigan co-founded the Big Ten all those years ago as a vehicle for its own nefarious interests in NCAA Division I sports, and we urge Ukraine not to become a puppet of [University of Michigan athletic director] Alan Haller in a prolonged proxy season between the Big Ten schools and Russia.” At press time, tensions were rising after Russia pulled their ambassador from Penn State.