BELLEVILLE — When it comes to what other people think, 19-year-old Mark Griner couldn’t care less. But his friends, family, and community at large are urging him to consider the opinion of literally anyone else.
“I trust my gut,” declared the lactose-intolerant teen. “Why would I let someone else tell me what to do? What are you saying, that someone other than me might have a valid point? That there’s someone else on earth that may have a perspective that’s better than mine? That simply opening my ears, and my mind, would expand my world in ways I’ve never even imagined? Fat chance.”
“Sure, there were some skeptics when I paid a white guy to tattoo these Chinese characters on my face. But without these tattos, how else would I remember to always ‘exercise discretion’?”, said Griner, whose tattoo translates to ‘work out session’. “Plus, I got them half off since the tattoo artist didn’t technically have a license yet.”
Despite his unshakeable confidence, Mark’s mother, Lynn Griner, has her doubts. “I’ve seen that kid do a bunch of dumb shit. I told him not to throw a football at a hornets’ nest — he said I’m not the boss of him. And what happened? Face full of hornets. I told him not to post online about how any woman would be lucky to date him — he said I wouldn’t understand. And what happened? He was trending on Twitter for 79 straight hours. The best thing I can do as a mother is to listen to my son, and do the exact opposite.”
“Would I say working with Mark is a nightmare? No. In general, I try not to say anything to or about Mark,” said Mark’s coworker, Michelle Rumas. “I politely mentioned that some people might not appreciate it when Mark replies-all to the CEO’s quarterly performance updates. He said he was going to be the first intern to get promoted straight to co-CEO.”
When asked if there was a chance he would ever consider considering someone else’s perspective, Mark said, “There’s just something about viewing other people as sentient beings with their own respectable thoughts and beliefs that totally bums me out.”
Plus, he thinks he’s been getting through life pretty well, “People told me not to give this interview, but it’s turning out great so far.”
Jesus Christ is King
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