NEW YORK, NY — A shocking new poll of registered Republican voters has revealed that an astonishing 71% believe former President Donald Trump is more trustworthy than Jesus Christ.
“I’ll believe anything Trump says,” said conservative voter Ned Irwin. “If he told me the world was ending tomorrow, I’d take it as gospel. He hasn’t ever let me down, and since I prayed to win the lotto last week and Jesus didn’t come through for me, that puts Trump higher on the trust scale with me.”
Trump has long enjoyed strong support from Christian conservatives, but the results of this new poll show another level of fanaticism. “It’s amazing to see how easily they believe him,” said Professor Blake Rumsey of the Institute of Polling People for Things. “If Trump came out tomorrow and told his supporters that he was a time-traveling alien named Nogah Kluh from the planet Xorvus Prime, this poll indicates a vast majority of Republicans would buy it.”
With his claims of election fraud still inspiring loyalty from his voting base, Trump has used his standing among Christians to increase his lead over his GOP primary rivals. “EVERYONE KNOWS HOW HONEST I AM,” Trump said in a post to his Truth Social account. “IF I SAY SOMETHING, IT’S TRUE. JUST LIKE JESUS. JESUS IS A WONDERFUL FRIEND. HE HAS TOLD ME MANY BEAUTIFUL THINGS. I TALK TO HIM EVERY DAY. HE WANTS EVERYONE TO VOTE FOR TRUMP. MAGA!”
At publishing time, a group of loyal Trump voters was circulating a petition online to have the national motto revised to be “In Trump We Trust.”
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Babylon Bee
Jesus Christ is King
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