Quiz: Are You Ready For College?

By admin On Aug 21, 2023

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The transition to college life can be tough on even the most prepared among us. Here’s a quiz to test whether you’re ready to head off to higher ed!

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Q: Are you absolutely, completely financially fucked?

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A: Great! Go on in.

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Q: What are the five most important things you need to bring to college?

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A: An electric kettle, a second electric kettle, a third electric kettle, a fourth electric kettle, and a towel.

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Q: What is the best martial art to learn to kill your awful roommate with your bare hands?

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A: Krav Maga.

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Q: Are you a middle-aged plus-sized-clothing-store mogul who bribes his way into college in order to secure his son’s affection and becomes briefly entangled with the school’s diving team to relive past glories, only to learn an important lesson about hard work and honesty along the way?

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A: Sounds like you’re ready, then!

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Q: Have you stopped receiving nutrients via umbilical cord?

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A: If you’re chewing solid foods and no longer attached to the placenta in your mother’s womb, it’s a surefire signs you’re ready to hit the books!

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Q: Have you lost your virginity to the high school janitor?

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A: Hey, don’t be the loser who shows up to your first dorm party still clutching your pearls about sexuality. Let your freak flag fly and get down with the 49-year-old Moldovan janitor at your high school. Everyone else has!

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Q: What is a work-study program?

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A: Something for kids whose parents don’t love them enough to send an allowance.

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Q: Can aluminum foil go in the microwave?

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A: Sure, why not. This is college, baby. Anything goes.

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Q: Anyone going to a party tonight?

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A: Yeah, we are. You’re not.

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Q: Since you and your high school sweetheart are now going to two different colleges, what are you doing to prepare yourself for the emotional fallout?

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A: Nothing, we’re going to stay together forever.

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Q: Will the tall man you sometimes see on the edge of your periphery late at night follow you to college?

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A: He follows me everywhere.

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Q: Have you prepared any needlessly contrarian opinions yet?

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A: Actually, water is bad.

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Q: Have you learned how to read?

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A: You still have a few days.

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Q: Which meal plan did you choose?

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A: Bronze Plan: Unlimited on-campus dumpster diving. This is much better than the Silver Plan (90 individual ramen packets per semester) or the Gold Plan (Hot Pocket of your choosing microwaved and brought to your dorm room every evening).

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Q: Have you prepared a fun fact about yourself?

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A: Many students do not come prepared and end up dropping out of college at the first sign of an icebreaker.

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Q: Have you sat your father down and told him he’s the man of the house now?

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A: With you away for four long years, it’s time for your dad to grow up and step into the role of family patriarch.

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You’ve Made It This Far …

The Onion

Quiz: Are You Ready For College?

Q: Are you absolutely, completely financially fucked?

Q: Are you absolutely, completely financially fucked?

A: Great! Go on in.

A: Great! Go on in.

Q: What are the five most important things you need to bring to college?

Q: What are the five most important things you need to bring to college?

A: An electric kettle, a second electric kettle, a third electric kettle, a fourth electric kettle, and a towel.

A: An electric kettle, a second electric kettle, a third electric kettle, a fourth electric kettle, and a towel.

Q: What is the best martial art to learn to kill your awful roommate with your bare hands?

Q: What is the best martial art to learn to kill your awful roommate with your bare hands?

A: Krav Maga.

A: Krav Maga.

Q: Are you a middle-aged plus-sized-clothing-store mogul who bribes his way into college in order to secure his son’s affection and becomes briefly entangled with the school’s diving team to relive past glories, only to learn an important lesson about hard work and honesty along the way?

Q: Are you a middle-aged plus-sized-clothing-store mogul who bribes his way into college in order to secure his son’s affection and becomes briefly entangled with the school’s diving team to relive past glories, only to learn an important lesson about hard work and honesty along the way?

A: Sounds like you’re ready, then!

A: Sounds like you’re ready, then!

Q: Have you stopped receiving nutrients via umbilical cord?

Q: Have you stopped receiving nutrients via umbilical cord?

A: If you’re chewing solid foods and no longer attached to the placenta in your mother’s womb, it’s a surefire signs you’re ready to hit the books!

A: If you’re chewing solid foods and no longer attached to the placenta in your mother’s womb, it’s a surefire signs you’re ready to hit the books!

Q: Have you lost your virginity to the high school janitor?

Q: Have you lost your virginity to the high school janitor?

A: Hey, don’t be the loser who shows up to your first dorm party still clutching your pearls about sexuality. Let your freak flag fly and get down with the 49-year-old Moldovan janitor at your high school. Everyone else has!

A: Hey, don’t be the loser who shows up to your first dorm party still clutching your pearls about sexuality. Let your freak flag fly and get down with the 49-year-old Moldovan janitor at your high school. Everyone else has!

Q: What is a work-study program?

Q: What is a work-study program?

A: Something for kids whose parents don’t love them enough to send an allowance.

A: Something for kids whose parents don’t love them enough to send an allowance.

Q: Can aluminum foil go in the microwave?

Q: Can aluminum foil go in the microwave?

A: Sure, why not. This is college, baby. Anything goes.

A: Sure, why not. This is college, baby. Anything goes.

Q: Anyone going to a party tonight?

Q: Anyone going to a party tonight?

A: Yeah, we are. You’re not.

A: Yeah, we are. You’re not.

Q: Since you and your high school sweetheart are now going to two different colleges, what are you doing to prepare yourself for the emotional fallout?

Q: Since you and your high school sweetheart are now going to two different colleges, what are you doing to prepare yourself for the emotional fallout?

A: Nothing, we’re going to stay together forever.

A: Nothing, we’re going to stay together forever.

Q: Will the tall man you sometimes see on the edge of your periphery late at night follow you to college?

Q: Will the tall man you sometimes see on the edge of your periphery late at night follow you to college?

A: He follows me everywhere.

A: He follows me everywhere.

Q: Have you prepared any needlessly contrarian opinions yet?

Q: Have you prepared any needlessly contrarian opinions yet?

A: Actually, water is bad.

A: Actually, water is bad.

Q: Have you learned how to read?

Q: Have you learned how to read?

A: You still have a few days.

A: You still have a few days.

Q: Which meal plan did you choose?

Q: Which meal plan did you choose?

A: Bronze Plan: Unlimited on-campus dumpster diving. This is much better than the Silver Plan (90 individual ramen packets per semester) or the Gold Plan (Hot Pocket of your choosing microwaved and brought to your dorm room every evening).

A: Bronze Plan: Unlimited on-campus dumpster diving. This is much better than the Silver Plan (90 individual ramen packets per semester) or the Gold Plan (Hot Pocket of your choosing microwaved and brought to your dorm room every evening).

Q: Have you prepared a fun fact about yourself?

Q: Have you prepared a fun fact about yourself?

A: Many students do not come prepared and end up dropping out of college at the first sign of an icebreaker.

A: Many students do not come prepared and end up dropping out of college at the first sign of an icebreaker.

Q: Have you sat your father down and told him he’s the man of the house now?

Q: Have you sat your father down and told him he’s the man of the house now?

A: With you away for four long years, it’s time for your dad to grow up and step into the role of family patriarch.

A: With you away for four long years, it’s time for your dad to grow up and step into the role of family patriarch.

You’ve Made It This Far …

You’ve Made It This Far …

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