GREEN BAY, WI—In an act demonstrating clear confidence and pride in his own worth, self-respecting man Evan Landry reportedly heated up his leftovers from Garcia’s Mexican Restaurant in the microwave on Monday. “I could just dig into this leftover burrito bowl cold, but I’m a grown man and I love myself,” said Landry, explaining to reporters that he deserved better than to eat the unheated remains of refried beans, chipotle chicken, and brown rice that had coagulated into three separate clumps in the takeout container overnight. “You know what? I’m going to take this out of the container and throw it on a plate. I might even use real metal silverware. It’s really important to care for yourself. It’s what separates us from the animals.” At press time, Landry had opened the microwave after eight seconds and begun rabidly eating the still-cold meal over the sink.
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