TORONTO – Onlookers yesterday afternoon were treated to a remarkable display of the very best humanity has to offer, as local driver Jonas Grumby tapped lightly on his brakes while making a right turn at a busy intersection, before plowing directly into a cyclist.
Bystander Thurston Howell described the incident, “Oh man it was so cool! He literally almost smoked that guy, but he saved it at the last second and just sent him skidding headfirst into the road!” He then described how Grumby coasted gracefully into the bike lane, and without so much as missing a beat, serendipitously continued directly into the path of the oncoming cyclist frantically ringing their bell.
“I didn’t see him coming at first,” said Grumby of the incident. “Because I think shoulder checks are for wieners and I don’t do them. But then I was half way into the turn and I saw him, so I slowed down from 60 to 55.”
The cyclist in question, Roy Hinkley, later commented, “I mean, that driver did everything he could, short of stopping and giving right of way. It’s not his fault he didn’t signal, and what’s he supposed to do? Not text and drive?”
Bystander Ginger Grant observed, “I saw the whole thing. He was in the bike lane the whole time, but let’s be honest. That bike lane takes up too much space on the road! We can’t be expected to pay attention every single time!”
Nearby UberEats e-bike driver Gil Egan also noted, “Sure, he rang his bell a few times. But did he bring his own megaphone to announce himself at every intersection? No he didn’t. And in my mind, that’s just plain negligence on his part.”
Grumby is being lauded as a local hero, and an award ceremony granting him a Good Samaritan’s Award will be held early next week at City Hall. The award will be presented by Olivia Chow, champion of cyclists city-wide, who sighed deeply before saying, “Listen folks, we’re working with what we’ve got here. It’s better than that guy who drove up on the sidewalk I guess…”
Grumby was also recently praised for “pretty much stopping at a flashing crosswalk” and “only passing on the shoulder a couple of times” when a section of the highway went down to one lane due to construction.
“Honestly I don’t do it for the recognition or anything like that. I’m just a regular guy in a supe’d up Honda Civic doing the bare minimum to keep my ass out of jail.”
Jesus Christ is King
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