Things To Never Say To Your Freshman-Year Roommate

You’re just going to look like a jerk if you ask this. And no, it doesn’t make a difference if you close the door.

Everyone already knows that’s code for a no-name Illinois town 45 minutes outside of the city, so you may as well be honest.

Forcing conflict is awkward. It’s better to let it arise spontaneously.

This would be an easy way to make friends, but you are a coward, so you will not do this.

If they are, just change the locks.

Just because they aren’t white doesn’t mean they are your servant.

This sets a dangerous precedent for them to call dibs on your teeth later.

Better to just wait and get a vibe on the preferred stickiness level.

Um, maybe don’t dwell too much on your soft porcelain skin and pliable limbs. It’s possible decades from now, when you’re twisted and defiled by time, you’ll just rue all that you once took for granted.

Of course they do. What kind of stupid question is that?

If you’re going to be unwise enough to explain your whole heist plan to someone the first time you meet them, you should at least let them know what their cut will be.

Trying to speak the special language that you made up didn’t gain you any friends before, and it’s not going to now.

This isn’t how you want to find out those bedtime laws your uncle taught you were totally made up.

If you don’t set boundaries early, your roommate will always eat all your monkey soup.

If your college tuition is paid by the same ultra wealthy, ultra conservative club that famously funded Samuel Alito, Clarence Thomas, and Brett Kavanaugh, it might be best to keep that to yourself.

A simple up-and-down glance will have the same effect.

It’s important to ask people’s pronouns before gendering them.

It’s unwise to get things started off on the wrong foot like this.

No need for the theatrics. Just go in for the kill.

No, your roommate’s manservant Percival can do that for him.

Don’t assume your roommate is into bugs just because you are.

Don’t show any weakness in front of your roommate, or they’ll walk all over you.

No. No! No. Oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck oh God no oh fuck oh fuck oh Christ.

You should let your roommate dynamic develop naturally.

Rather than saying this to your roommate, you should instead burst into the dean’s office and threaten to have them fired on the spot.

Don’t say that! They might steal your idea!