While acknowledging their existence or uttering a single word isn’t recommended, here is what you should definitely never say to your freshmen-year roommate.
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“Is it all right if I cremate bodies in my room?”
You’re just going to look like a jerk if you ask this. And no, it doesn’t make a difference if you close the door.
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“I’m from Chicago.”
Everyone already knows that’s code for a no-name Illinois town 45 minutes outside of the city, so you may as well be honest.
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“Let’s get into a fight over the area rug”
Forcing conflict is awkward. It’s better to let it arise spontaneously.
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“Hey, I’m hungry. Want to round up the rest of the floor and go grab a bite to eat?”
This would be an easy way to make friends, but you are a coward, so you will not do this.
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“I hope you’re not the kind of roommate who plans on spending any time at all in the room.”
If they are, just change the locks.
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“Are you the servant?”
Just because they aren’t white doesn’t mean they are your servant.
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“I call dibs on your clothes.”
This sets a dangerous precedent for them to call dibs on your teeth later.
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“Do you like to get as sticky as I do?”
Better to just wait and get a vibe on the preferred stickiness level.
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“Death will never touch us. We are so young, so pure.”
Um, maybe don’t dwell too much on your soft porcelain skin and pliable limbs. It’s possible decades from now, when you’re twisted and defiled by time, you’ll just rue all that you once took for granted.
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“Do you want to watch 1987 romantic comedy-drama film Moonstruck featuring Cher as pragmatic bookkeeper Loretta Castorini?”
Of course they do. What kind of stupid question is that?
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“Okay, here’s the deal: The casino has about $70 million in hard cash in the vault at all times. Guard rotation changes out twice per day: once in the morning, once in the evening. Now, if we get our hands on some uniforms and electronic badges, we can short out the internal computer system, and then we will have exactly 7 minutes to make it down into the vault, swap out the cash with counterfeit dollars, and hightail it out of there in a stolen armored truck. You in or out?”
If you’re going to be unwise enough to explain your whole heist plan to someone the first time you meet them, you should at least let them know what their cut will be.
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“Bombagar shakaye momobobo zeep zeep.”
Trying to speak the special language that you made up didn’t gain you any friends before, and it’s not going to now.
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“Welp, it’s time to push our beds together and play naked tickle games.”
This isn’t how you want to find out those bedtime laws your uncle taught you were totally made up.
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“Would you like a bowl of this monkey soup I made?”
If you don’t set boundaries early, your roommate will always eat all your monkey soup.
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“Did the Federalist Society pay your tuition too?”
If your college tuition is paid by the same ultra wealthy, ultra conservative club that famously funded Samuel Alito, Clarence Thomas, and Brett Kavanaugh, it might be best to keep that to yourself.
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“I was popular in high school, and it’s apparent from your appearance and general demeanor that you were not.”
A simple up-and-down glance will have the same effect.
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“Are you my son?”
It’s important to ask people’s pronouns before gendering them.
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“I moved in first, and I figured you wouldn’t mind if I took the beds.”
It’s unwise to get things started off on the wrong foot like this.
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“I’ve been waiting for this day for years, decades. And now I finally have you where I want you.”
No need for the theatrics. Just go in for the kill.
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“Shall I have my manservant Wilfred fetch us some buttermilk and a cashmere shawl?”
No, your roommate’s manservant Percival can do that for him.
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“There’s a lot of good-looking bugs on this campus, huh?”
Don’t assume your roommate is into bugs just because you are.
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“Let me know if my power saw is too loud.”
Don’t show any weakness in front of your roommate, or they’ll walk all over you.
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“Acoustic guitar.”
No. No! No. Oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck oh God no oh fuck oh fuck oh Christ.
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“Do you want to be the mommy or the daddy?”
You should let your roommate dynamic develop naturally.
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“But father said I wouldn’t have to have a roommate.”
Rather than saying this to your roommate, you should instead burst into the dean’s office and threaten to have them fired on the spot.
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“You know that my college tuition is free if you ‘commit suicide’ and they don’t figure out I did it, right?”
Don’t say that! They might steal your idea!
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