Best Strategies From Ron DeSantis’ Leaked Debate Memo

Voters love a well-lubricated mouth!

If you start to get nervous, just run. Any direction, as fast as you can. It’s much better than having to stomach you trying to say something.

If you aren’t willing to suffer, then do you even love the United States?

Word choice is very important when referring to minority communities, and the term “Black” ensures everyone knows what you mean.

(They kind of lost their temper here.)

If you can hit all the high notes in this classic of the mezzo-soprano repertoire, then no one—absolutely no one—is going to question your right to be on that stage.

A bona fide crowd-pleaser.

Keep it chill, like you’re cruisin’ on the strip with your top down, shades on at night, the flashing city lights dancing to the infectious rhythms of the funky beat. You’re outta sight, jack, you’re outta sight.

Better to let it all out in the bathroom afterwards than to give Vivek Ramaswamy the satisfaction of seeing how badly his words hurt you.

A list of possible words DeSantis could use includes “when,” “made,” “but,” and “buckle.”

The memo recommends the 2024 candidate attack the production company behind such films as Geostorm and Transformers: Rise Of The Beasts at least three to five times throughout the evening.

Everyone hates it when you laugh.

Reminding the audience that he is still turgid every 15 to 30 seconds with a well-placed “I’m hard, by the way” or “Yup, still hard” will help the governor combat perceptions that he is weak.

You don’t want to be labeled “Milky DeSantis” by rivals.

Should you ever get overwhelmed by opponents bringing up your flagging poll numbers, simply start snapping and vocalizing nonsense syllables in time, getting louder and louder until everyone else goes quiet. Then you can take center stage and begin dancing around wildly!

Remember that saying what is honest from deep down is always the right move. Just be your authentic self, and the right people will resonate with your message!

Safety first!

If you get nervous, you can piss your pants, but only make a little dot. Don’t let it be so much that it goes down your leg, allowing the other candidates to see or smell it.

You did such a good job memorizing them, so if you get cornered, you can begin listing every U.S. state capital to show you’re more intelligent than your opponents.

The PAC was hopeful that putting on a sexy British accent would make DeSantis sound smarter as well as distract from his overall appearance.

Although a large, man-sized Mickey Mouse will be sitting in the debate audience staring directly at DeSantis and breathing heavily, the governor is not to make eye contact.

Ultimately, the easiest way to connect with GOP voters.

DeSantis was instructed to show dominance by walking up to his opponent, inhaling, and swallowing Ramaswamy in one fell swoop.

According to the memo, DeSantis should make a fist, repeatedly punch himself in the face, and then scream, “An undocumented did this! An undocumented did this!”

Even though he’s an opponent, DeSantis is only to refer to Trump as “our Heavenly Father” or “the one true God.”