Nation’s Older Sister’s Friends Announce Plan To Split Single Cigarette Among 9 Of Them

WHEATON, IL—Adjusting their white eyeliner and iridescent lip gloss before approaching the podium, the nation’s older sister’s friends officially unveiled plans Wednesday to split a single cigarette among nine of them. “We’re going to sneak out after dark and meet in the bushes to smoke it,” said teenage sister Tiff Landers, pulling out the Camel Light she found on the floor of her stepdad’s car and a lighter she reportedly got from her boyfriend, Mikey, who is older and works part-time at the Circle K. “We could, like, go to jail, and we don’t even care. And we’re going to inhale—you little losers probably don’t even know how. We might even get addicted. Or we could get really fucked up if we combine it with this warm can of Busch Light I stole from my uncle.” At press time, Landers was seen coughing violently as she tried to shotgun the smoke to another girl who was too afraid to take a drag directly from the cigarette.