Republican Presidential Candidates Undergo Mandatory Genital Checks Ahead Of First Debate

MILWAUKEE—Lining up in the hallway dressed in hospital gowns, Republican presidential candidates underwent mandatory genital checks ahead of their first debate Wednesday. “Please state your name, date of birth, and gender,” said the Republican National Committee’s staff physician, who then put on glasses, snapped on gloves, and began feeling around the exposed groins of all eight candidates and noting any visual discrepancies. “Ron DeSantis, you’re good to go. Tim Scott, you’re good to go. Nikki Haley, I’m going to have to ask you to leave. Per GOP rules, you are not permitted to state your gender as ‘female’ and then enter the debate wearing a pantsuit.” At press time, Donald Trump, who refused to participate in the debate, argued that as a former president of the United States, his genital inspection should remain classified.