What To Expect From The First GOP Debate

The first debate of the 2024 election cycle is unfortunately upon us, taking place in Milwaukee this evening and featuring eight of the qualifying Republican candidates. The ninth qualifying candidate, former President Donald Trump, will not attend. The Onion tells you what to expect from the first GOP debate of the 2024 election cycle.

• Debate topics introduced by bikini-clad women holding giant cards.
• Homophobic statement interrupted by different homophobic statement.
• Donald Trump may come up once or twice.
• Electric sexual tension between Mike Pence and podium.
• Group discussion of how it would just sound wrong if Americans had a “President Burgum.”
• Two brief sentences about policy.
• Increasingly paranoid Vivek Ramaswamy accusing the entire audience of being complicit in 9/11.
• Live execution of a woman who tried to get an abortion.
• Nikki Haley smoking an entire cigarette onstage and absolutely nobody mentioning it.
• Eight people who will not be president of the United States.