Body Language Expert Explains All Republican Debate Participants Just Finished Having Sex With Each Other

MILWAUKEE—Analyzing the behavior on display during Wednesday night’s Republican presidential debate, a body language expert explained that the eight candidates who participated in the event had all just finished having sex with each other before they walked out on the stage. “It’s obvious from how many of them had messy hair, unbuttoned shirts, and loosened ties that they had all recently engaged in hot, sweaty, and vigorous group sex,” said body language specialist Jared Trujillo, who added that his 25 years of studying nonverbal communication made him adept at registering small things like the hickeys on Chris Christie’s neck and the cigarette in Doug Burgum’s hand. “Viewers at home may have noticed Asa Hutchinson’s laid-back swagger or Tim Scott’s continual need to cuddle, not to mention the used condom stuck to Ron DeSantis’ shoe and the enormous cum stains on Vivek Ramaswamy’s pants. If you look closely at the debate footage, you can even see that Nikki Haley, whose dress was on backward, was holding her heels in one hand while ordering an Uber with the other.” Trujillo went on to state that by watching Mike Pence’s lips carefully, he could tell the former vice president was both praying for forgiveness and had recently eaten ass.