Scientists Successfully Teach Gorilla To Buy Beer For Underage Teens

NEW YORK—Touting the breakthrough as a major step forward in primate research, scientists at Columbia University announced Thursday they had successfully taught a 7-year-old western lowland gorilla to buy beer for underage teens. “Despite years of setbacks, we’ve finally trained a gorilla named Makuba to pick up a 30-pack of Natty Light for a group of teens waiting in a 7-Eleven parking lot,” said Professor Lawrence Christensen, who described the milestone of getting Makuba to also grab a pack of menthols for himself as one of the most remarkable in the field’s history. “Interestingly, one of the greatest barriers we faced was the gorilla’s ethical qualms about supplying alcohol to minors. But we managed to use sign language to convince him that it was better they get it from him than some sketchier source. There were also several times that the gorilla went berserk and tore off the cashier’s face. Really, though, as long as the teens made it worth his while with a banana, he was happy to help them out.” At press time, the study had been discontinued after Makuba invited a group of high school sophomores back to his nest and attempted to mate with one of them.